My crazy 35...make that 36.

1. I can touch my tongue to my nose.
2. I have a pistol certificate- and want to get a permit. (guns are hot)
3. When I eat chocolate before bed- I have either a very violent or very sexual dream. (try it)
4. I take way too many pictures of my kids.
5. I am in love with hand wipes.
6. I have kissed a lot of guys- but loved only one of them.
7. I used to have very good posture- now I look like quasimoto.
8. I am allergic to... (the list of what I am NOT allergic to is shorter)
9. I have my Father's wit and my Mother's need to worry personality.
10. I feel that Chocolate Frosting goes great with every meal.
11. I want to have laser hair removal. (why won't it work on blond hair???!!!)
12. Three of my friends used me to get to my attractive brother.
13. I want to be bi. (Bilingual- you pervert)
14. I have 2 inventions that I would love to patent- but too lazy and poor to do so.
15. I used to be a DJ.
16. While DJing- I once had a groom say to me: "If I wasn't married- I'd F____ you."
17. I don't take enough calcium. (see #7)
18. I had to ask both of my dates to the the Prom. (I was ugly in HS)
19. Both Prom dates said YES- but only because they like a girl riding in our limo.
20. I have a hard time controlling my sarcasm.
21. I have a fresh baked good on my counter--- everyday. (see #25)
22. I make a damn good pizza.
23. My hands and feet are cold all the time.
24. I rely on my parents way too much- I call them for everything. (at least 3 times a day) OK- I'm lying- it is more like 5 times a day.
25. I am skinny - but so out of shape.
26. I would love to be a professional photographer.
27. My mind is my worst enemy. I am a very visual person.
28. I don't have enough socks.
29. I wear a tank top every single day.
30. I think I have a tapeworm- I named him Scotch.
31. I met LL Cool J and Meg Ryan.
32. I refuse to pay for shipping and handling.
33. I have had 3 stalkers- one being a psych MD. (scary)
34. I despise hearing people chew. (I hum while I eat to drown out the sound)
35. If I wake up at night- I need to eat something before going back to bed. (why am I so freak'n thin?! Scotch Tapeworm?)
36. Oh yeah- I think that Snuggie blanket is stupid!

TLC = Toddlers Looking Creepy!

I'm a big fan of the TV station TLC. I love to watch What Not to Wear- hoping that one day Clinton Kelly and Stacy London will jump out and surprise me with a credit card with my name on it for $5,000. I have even practice my surprised face for that glorious day. Now all I need is a friend or family member that cares enough to nominate me for that show. (hint, hint) How are people not sick and tired of me wearing sweats and tank tops??? I guess I am surrounded by the fashionably challenged.
Anyway- like I was saying I love TLC. I love what they do for people- they give homely people some fashion sense- make sun damaged prunes look 10 years younger. (I don't approve of the collagen or botox part though) I even enjoyed watching many hours of A Baby Story when I was pregnant. Great TV. Right? Well hold on- don't answer that question yet. Now they have decided to create a show called Toddlers and Tiaras. That is one thing I do NOT agree with.


Winning Obsessed parents dress up their tiny kids in miniature prom dresses. Some even go as far as to dye their toddler's hair, spray them tan, rub Vaseline on their newly bleached teeth. They spend hours and hours rehearsing routines like little robots. It is not for fun- it is the most competitive "sport" I have ever seen. Crazed Mothers stand on the sidelines with their beady little eyes- not just watching, but judging their daughter's every move. MOTHERS hold their breath - waiting- getting ready to Snap at the second their daughter messes up the Paula Abdul choreographed routine that SHE worked so hard on. I can go on and on. Trust me I can. I just don't agree with it. I have yet to see a KID excited about winning the beauty pageant. It is always the parents screaming and carrying on while the kid stands there with her fake Vaseline ridden smile.

Here's an idea- throw some sweats on those kids and let them play on a playground. Let them finger paint. Give them the opportunity to act like kids and not trained show dogs.


Look at this dress- look at the price! You can bet your sweet ass that her mother is banking on her kid winning the pageant- - - that dress won't pay for itself!

List Price: $343.00
Our Dress Price: $328.00

Watch it tonight on TLC and let me know what you think.

I am a cheater!!!

I'm a cheater! There I said it. I wasn't going to admit it- but I have to get it out. And since my husband doesn't read my blogs- this is my attempt at cleansing my dirty dirty soul!
It all started about 3 weeks ago. I'm embarrassed to say that I was at a friend's house. He was a friend of the family too. Our eyes met. We flirted. I even did that move where I stared at him until he looked over - and then I looked down- all shy. He somehow got me to meet him in a back room- maybe it was a walk-in closet. He tried to put the moves on me- talking soft and way too close to my face. I resisted- turned and walked away- I knew it was wrong- oh so wrong. For some reason- maybe it was his cologne- maybe it was my need to feel young fresh and sexy- not sure- anyway- I rushed back and suck face with "him." Ohhhh the rush. I felt like I was 18 again with a fake ID out-smarting the bouncers at the hardest clubs in town. I am a terrible person.
The next time it was a darker haired "guy." Still very attractive- of course. The same flirting- the excitement of not getting caught. Nothing happened though. I had self control...this time.

Then last night happened. (I really should stay home!!!) I was at a party- a family party. I just came out of the bathroom and a friend introduced me to this even darker haired guy ( see a weakness pattern here?) who wanted my opinion on some pictures he had taken for a photo shoot. And since I know a thing or two about pictures- I offered my help. (by thing or two- I mean I take pictures of MY kids -Thing 1 and Thing 2)
He was so impressed by my suggestions that he asked me to go for a walk with him- outside-alone- where I could see his "sculpture." (Duh- I should have seen that coming) We walked outside- talked a bit- then stopped to watch this really cool outside movie screen. We sat down on the lawn chair/couch thing that had the most comfortable big pillows on it. Our feet were up - on the ottoman- a blanket covered our legs. I couldn't hear the movie- so I went to grab for the remote that was resting on his thigh. As I went to grab it (the remote- you pervert)- he stopped my hand. I could feel him looking at me. I could feel his breath moving my hair. I knew if I turned my head - we would kiss. Do I turn my head? Do I not turn my head? Then I heard that little voice inside my head say...
"Mommy, I have to tinkle!"
Wait- WHAT? NO!!!!!!! I tried to close my eyes again. Fall back to sleep- please fall back to sleep! Come back handsome stranger.
"Mommmmmmmy, I HAVE TO TINKLE NOW!!!!"
Yup- it's over. I'm awake- in the bathroom now- putting the Dora toilet seat on the bowl.
(Oh- Did I forget to mention that I am only a DREAM Slut?)

While these dreams seem so real while they are happening- I know that in the REAL world (MY real world) they would never happen this way. The guy would still be hot (wink) but the kissing part would be very different. Just as we were about to kiss- I would STOP. Not because of morals- but because of my allergies. I would then ask him "What did you eat today?, Did you have any fish, clams, shrimp, lobster, mussels, scallops?" Oh yeah- "AND- Do you by any chance have a non-latex condom?" (I didn't think so)
So you see - I am a BIG buzz kill and I am very lucky to have my non-fish eating latex-free husband who loves me for me!

*Thank God I can act normal in my dreams!

Help!

December was a terrible month for us. The whole month of December- from beginning to end. My daughter had tonsillitis, double ear infections and a double eye infection. Then my son had the eye infection and the double ear infection. Both kids were put on that pink goop for a week and when that didn't touch their "angry looking ears" (that was the medical terminology the doctor used) - they were put on something stronger.

I stayed germ-free for about 2 and a half weeks and then it hit me- avalanche style. My sinuses were flooded: a major sinus infection. PAINFUL. I like to think that I have a high threshold for pain- I did deliver my son's over sized head with limited drugs, but this sinus infection made me want an epidural. It brought me to... I don't cry- my eyes were leaking sweat. I had to be put on 3 different types of medicine to clear up the pressure. (I'd like to make a shout out to my best friend - prednisone. Without you I don't know where I would be today)

So December was a tough- very tough month. BUT NOT AS TOUGH AS YESTERDAY. Our world stopped- and then came crashing down. My husband woke up with a...

Cold.

There is nothing worse than a man that is sick. As sick as my kids were- they were SOOOO much better than my husband "suffering" with a bad case of the sniffles. He moans- he groans. He even stayed in bed until 10:30 AM! And when he woke up he asked for pancakes. The reason for the pancake request: they would serve as a stomach lining barrier before he took his arsenal of vitamins. (has he forgotten about the phallic shaped pancakes I made him last year?)

Then - he moaned and groaned some more- asking me if MY head when I was sick happened to hurt as bad as HIS does. How could my tiny feminine head possibly hurt as bad as his big strong manly head? I didn't answer. I had an answer- but I didn't use it.

Request #2 said in a pathetic tone : "Sick soup." (it is just broth, carrots, celery, onion and pepper- and ditalini pasta) I agreed to make it and then-------forgot. (I have 2 other kids- ya know) When he asked if it was ready, I had to fake a "uhh- yeah" and ran downstairs to throw it together. Bad wife! Bad bad wife!Thank God for soft canned carrots. That cut the cooking time in half.

He is still sleeping now. (9:45 AM) I wonder what today has in store for me.

HELP ME!!!!! Please!!!

Are all men this bad??

Is it October already?

It's cold outside- the trees are bare. Snow covers the ground. Then why does my bathroom keep getting vandalized like it's Mischief night?? Every time I go to use the bathroom in my kitchen I have this: (see picture below) waiting for me. Door nobs are covered in TP- the toilet is wrapped like a mummy. I must admit- I am amazed at the craftsmanship. Perfectly wrapped toilet- even around the back of the bowl. Huh. That's impressive for a three year old. I took a picture of that too- then noticed something in the bowl that would really add to the Scary Halloween theme and decided not to post it.
What is she thinking? I bet she goes through a whole roll of TP a week. I can't tell you how many times I have sat down to "go" then noticed the empty cardboard roll laying under the magazine rack! Ahhhhh- don't ruin my minute of alone time! Now we buy our TP in bulk.
Due to lack of supervision- I have yet to catch her in the act! When I confronted her about it said states that she didn't do it and that maybe a frog did it. A frog? Well- at least I have a lead.

Quality time...

I decided to be a good parent and spend some quality time with my kid today. I stopped cleaning (or was I on the computer?) and headed to the family room. Let's do something constructive- something fun- but not too messy. TV. Perfect. Of course the show of choice was Sponge Bob Square Pants. While watching the show I found a few things surprising.

There are 2 things seriously wrong with Sponge Bob Square Pants:

(OK- maybe not just 2 things, but that is all I am focusing on today)

1. Don't let his name fool you- he does not teach your kids about shapes.


2. 
   
   His pants are not even square! He should really be called Sponge Bob Rectangle Pants.

Another crazy fact- spellcheck actually recognizes the words Sponge Bob, but it doesn't recognize the word anaphylactic!

Why didn't I think of that?

Nothing fires me up more than when someone is making a ton of money on a product that I could have totally thought of. Come on. Have you even seen the Baby Einstein videos? They are scenes found in everyday life set to music. In Baby Beethoven the creator (Julie Clark ) films old school toys spinning around. Wind-up antique owls strut across the screen- a train glides across its track- crazy hand puppets chase each other!

I have ton of crap in my house and a lot of music. I should make my own video - with a modern twist. Like the microwave defrosting tonight's dinner, the food processor shredding veggies, my dustbuster cleaning yet another pile of dried cereal under the couch, maybe even a toilet flushing. (hey- and for dramatic effect- I'll even go out and buy one of those blue discs to color the water) Now for the background music. I was thinking a little "Apple Bottom Jeans - boots with the fur" (Low by Flo-Rida) or maybe everyone's all time favorite- Baby Got Back. (Sir Mix Alot) (Cha-ching!)

What really gets me is that I am forced to buy these $15.99 DVDs because my kids really LOVE them. I have even had to purchase a few twice due to the deep scratches that my daughter engraved in them. (I know- my fault- I should put them up higher) If they didn't have that "no copy padlock" on them- I would have spare copies. But no- once again - Julie Clark has me by the short hairs.

She has managed to mesmerize my kids- actually Relax them - and even put my son to sleep. The truth is- They are worth every penny. I just broke down and bought the Old McDonald DVD on amazon.com last night. Oh the things we'll do for some peace and quiet.

Thank you, Julie Clark.

(you disgustingly rich bitch)

I hear a bowl of cereal hitting the floor right now. I'm off to start my own collection of Baby Not So Einstein Videos-

look for them at Walmart in 2010.

I'll have a hambuger and fries with a side of diarrhea...

My brother called me today because he was on his way to McDonald's with my nephew. He said he was going to go to the one 3 towns over because my nephew wanted to go on the indoor playground. "EWWWWWWWWW- Don't do it!!!" Not that- anything but that. You might not already know this about me- I am a major germafobe. Not like the host of Deal or No Deal. (no disrespect, Howie)

I just hate germs! I haven't always been this way- it started when I had my first child. (What!!?- you want to hold my pure as the driven snow freshly delivered 6 hours old- bundle of joy? Go- wash your hands- front and back then come back - I have some questions for you. Do you or anyone in your family have or had a cold in the last year- how about malaria, arthritis? Hey -that might interfere with holding my baby correctly!)

OK- well not that bad either - but close.

Back to McDonald's. I literally cringe when I hear about someone going on their play scape. It was almost a year ago when I actually broke down and let Sissy go on one. My husband and I both had chiropractic appointments and the building was next door to a McDonald's with an indoor play scape. Since we knew that we would be there for about an hour or so- we knew we had to do something "fun" to avoid any meltdowns. So- we decided on McDonald's. Well- wouldn't you know it- They were still serving breakfast. OK- now let me think. My daughter only eats hamburgers, hot dogs, fries, dino nuggets (can't call them chicken), alphabet or Dora soup, cereal, and homemade pizza. Yup- we're screwed. No egg Mc Muffin on that list!

"I want a Happy meal with a toy- Mommy- I want a hamburger and fries now..." I looked at my watch- we had to wait 25 more minutes for lunch. Double crap! The demands continued for about another 3 minutes- and then my husband cracked. "Hey look Sis- there's a play scape over there." Off she went. I shot him a look, but agreed we had to do something. What can possibly go wrong if she is only in there for 22 minutes.

After 21 minutes- she came out- I put her shoes back on- washed her hands 3 times with- my all time favorite- antibacterial wet ones and once with soup and water and then had lunch. My husband came back from his appointment - I went for mine and we headed home.

Three days later- we were getting ready to go to the Children's museum. The kids had their coats on- I had a bottle in one hand and a sippy cup in the other - and then...

Hooooo Ahhhhh. (that's the sound of my kid projectile vomiting all over the kitchen)

And again. And again. Diarrhea was later added to the madness.

It was awful.

That disease infested play scape did it. I know it! She was so sick for about 4 days.

So that is why I freaked out when my brother told me where he was going. That is also why I wanted to give out those cute little travel packages of antibacterial wet ones for Halloween instead of candy. (my husband talked me out of it in fear of having to scrape egg and dog crap off our cars and house)

How did I find the time to...

For months now I have been trying to find the time to put pictures of my kids in a scrapbook someone made me. Nope- still hasn't happened. (and it has to be done before the person that gave it to me comes over again- thank God she lives in Arizona- that should give me enough time...maybe)



For about a 10 month now - I have been trying to find the time to clean out my underwear drawer. (I still have my pregnancy underwear in there - which looks like my regular underwear just 2 sizes bigger) It actually is a major problem. I don't realize that I have picked the wrong pair until I have them on for about an hour and then they start to go south. And usually by that time- I am in a store somewhere trying to "tastefully" yank them up. In the top drawer- 2 drawers- there they still sit. Waiting to be tossed out.

I did find the time to do something last week. I somehow found the time to GET SICK!!!

I have a terrible sinus infection. It hurts to do anything and everything. Bending over to empty the dishwasher brings me to tears. Not my usual I hate housework tears either. My husband really feels bad for me. He told me that he will take care of the dishwasher- just as long as I call the doctor. (OK- I can't refuse that offer)



I am one of those people who hates to take medicine. If prescribed to me- I take half of the recommended dosage. I am a terrible patient. Mainly because I have found that I am allergic to most meds. I figure if I only take half the dosage- I will only get half the allergic reaction. (I know- you must be thinking- "I know one med she should take the FULL dosage of!")

Well - not this time. I called and asked/begged the doctor for medicine. And to my surprise- he actually agreed to give me some without having to go down there and cough to the left.



My husband picked up the horse pills (aka- Augmentin) and I willingly took the Whole pill. (I actually look forward to the next time can take another pill)

So- here I sit- squinting at the computer- in pain. My daughter is two inches away from my face singing/yelling the alphabet song. She said that would help me feel better. She is too cute- but I wish there was a volume button on kids.

I am only on day two- pill #4 and I feel worse. I spray my nose and steam my face and still no relief.

Take your vitamins- wash your hands. Do what you can to save yourself. The queen of Snot is signing off.