Things that make you go hmmm...

Did you ever think about what could possibly happen if you were lucky enough to date/"have relations" with Edward Cullen? (Twilight)

Did something like THIS ever cross your mind?

Need I say more????

(cold "pole" + tongue = next time- you're on your own!)

;o)

Are you starring at her?

My husband loves me- but how could he dare.

Look at that girl- it was more like stare.

He thought he did it without me seeing

If he keeps it up - through a tube he'll be peeing.

Yeah- she was hot- I have to admit.

Stop starring at her or I will pitch a fit.

I don't think he realized the spell he was under.

Should my husband be on meds- I started to wonder.

I said- "what are you doing?"(I was ready to fight)

He turned to me and laughed- I knew I was right.

My husband is still in one piece - the girl is not dead

Mainly because there's no use- she' a styling Barbie Head!

This story is true- he even admitted she was hottie.

Lucky for me- she doesn't come with the rest of her body!

It's not you- it's me...

Click here to read blog to me.

Crap. Have you ever had this happen to you? You were going to break up with someone (americasnexttopmommy) and then that person says (or writes) something (a blog) about you and then you have to put it off. I feel bad because I was just about to give her the honest truth (a huge lie) that it has to do with me- and not her. That we have grown apart. We have different interests. I love to sit on my ass- she loves to work out at the gym for hours. I love frosting- she loves spinach salads. She gets high off of cleaning - I get panic attacks just thinking about cleaning. And most of all- she has allergies! She's allergic to bananas- I actually am NOT allergic to that fruit. (so there!)
She did buy me and my family some awesome gifts for Christmas- and she does get my constant sarcasm. (My own mom calls it annoying at times)
I guess I won't break up with her...today.

*to be continued.

(unless you are americasnexttopmommy - then I was talking about the other americasnexttopmommy- not YOU! We will be together forever. BFFs)

Happy or Sad?

I went to a beautiful wedding last month. It was at an expensive place on the water. Just beautiful. Love was in the air. It was like a scene right out of a movie...

A very scary movie.

Everyone there had the same expression on their face. It wasn't joy or happiness. It was botulism. My friend (the bride) works for a dermatologist/cosmetic surgeon. All the female guests had the same freaky frozen face. Not one wrinkle on their foreheads. No laugh lines. Crows feet- forget about it! I was so creeped out at first. Without even being aware of it- I actually started to imitate them. It was like when you are talking to someone foreign- you automatically start to say things like Good Day, Mate (when talking to a Wiggle) and Hola, Papi. (when talking to someone like Dora the Explorer's Dad) You just can't help it- you just start to imitate the person's cool accent. *This does not apply when talking to someone from Long Island - that accent is just too annoying to imitate...ever!

So anyway- My husband had to pull me aside and to tell me to remove that fake smile on my face. (I was way too busy thinking how this women's face looked like a train wreck)

After the initial shock- I decided to have fun with it. My husband and I started to play a game called "Real or Fake." I was clearly the winner. He wasn't much competition - but he was the ONLY one I could play with. I must admit- he could pick out a pair of fake ones from a mile away! (hey- I was too drunk to notice that at the time- he is in such big trouble!!)

What the F_____!!??? I just don't understand why people do it. You DON'T look younger! You look like a Marionette!!

The reason I am bringing this up is to stop anyone who is thinking about getting any cosmetic surgery done. You will never fool anyone. People will laugh at you and YOU will lose your ability to laugh. You will have no expressions. You win the lottery- freaky frozen smile. Your Pet dies - freaky frozen smile.

Look at poor Meg here. She is one of my favorite actresses. I have even met her on vacation. (we vacation in the same town every summer) I have seen her without botox and I have seen her with it. Meg- you screwed up your face, sister. To quote one of my favorite Meg movies, French Kiss: "Corresponding face to the corresponding emotion." That Meg is what's normal!

Just say No to Botox and collagen.

*If you already had work done on your face- then this blog does not apply to you. You look fabulous, darling.

I am one of THEM...

Well - I am one of them now. You know- those people who are obsessed with Twilight. I have to admit- I made fun of those people before I became one. ("A Vampire romance- what the frig? You can't just read "normal" traditional smut?)
Twilight was also a Learning experience for me:
This is what I learned about myself:
I can read a 400+ page book in only 5 days! (I usually take months)
I can "interact" with my kids while still reading. (yes- I can)
I don't mind Sponge bob Square Pants as much as I thought I did. (this fact I am not proud of- but it kept my kid's interest long enough for me to read another chapter)
Thanks to Twilight- I learned I have something in common with my husband. I too like to go/stay in the bathroom for 25 minutes now. (I used to get furious with my him for doing so, but not anymore) I understand him.
Oh yeah- one more thing- I am a Vampire.

Reasons follow:
1. My hands and feet are always ice cold.
2. My love for red meat: Anything that moos or oinks...growls. I need a meat product with every meal to actually feel full/SATISFIED.
3. I am pasty white.
4. I don't sleep- this one is actually due to my kids, but I feel it still counts.
5. I have major mood changes. (and not just one week out of the month)
6. I fight back thoughts of attacking my husband. (especially when he wakes me up at 1 AM to find the Oragel)
7. My sense of smell is amazing. I am known as the Super Sniffer. I can smell anything and everything from a mile away.

Be warned. Be careful. I am Vampire - hear me Roar.
Watch out Edward- here I come!