Sad- but true

Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If I had $100 - I wouldn't buy this!

Seriously- does anyone in the world care that much about their birds to spend $100 on a bird feeder?!

The bird feeder shown above is going for $100!

(and that's at Target)

I was stumped by a 3 year old!

As I put my daughter to bed tonight- we did our usual routine. She runs in her room first --- and hides. I pretend to look for her under her sheets- then I go to the closet to "find a pillowcase." Surprise! There she is. She jumps on her bed- I read her 3 stories. She always asks me if I have a surprise for her tomorrow. I say- "I'll think of something." Then she gives me a few suggestions- naming at least 3-4 toys she saw during those brainwashing commercials. I give her a big kiss- I get a big kiss- and a honk on the nose. We blow one more kiss to each other when I am at the door- and then I leave. BUT- tonight as I was making my way out she asked- "Mama- why do we have eyebrows?"
(crickets chirping)
"Uh..."
"I'll surprise you and tell you tomorrow."
(that was the best I could do! And I went to college!)

Visit from above

I believe in visits from above- I really do. If you listen and look carefully- it happens more than you know. Sometimes- you don't even need to look that hard.

It was the night of my son's first birthday and we packed up the kids and headed out to a nice 5 star restaurant for his birthday dinner. As we were driving to Wendy's (hey- it has gained 5 stars in my book) I saw a licence plate that said "Nikki." Ahhh- a sign I thought. My grandmother (nicknamed Nikki) passed away a year ago- just a few days after my son was born. I was unable to go to the funeral because of it. And because of that- I find myself forgetting that she isn't "here" anymore.

So we arrive at Wendy's. I get the double stack and a baked potato, my husband orders one of those big meals with a number and the kids get kid meals. The toy was a carousel. Ahhhh- another sign. My grandmother used to live where they had flying horses. Every year when we went to visit- we would wait in a line 40 people deep just to ride the flying horses for 4 minutes.

OK- back to Wendy's. Since this was a birthday party- my daughter felt the need to get up and dance. Since we were the only people in the place- I decided to join her. Then - out of "nowhere" my song started to play on the radio. By "my song" - I mean "Sherry Baby." A song with my name in it. Another sign- a major sign.

I truly knew that my grandmother was there- yes, in Wendy's- celebrating her great-grandson's birthday with us. It was better than I could ever imagine.

Useless pockets

Why do they put working pockets on infant clothing?

What on earth do they think they are going to need them for? A pacifier? Oragel? I have a few adorable pants for my son that I can't even put him in because I would have to IRON the inside pocket down. The pocket is so deep - that it becomes all bunched up in the wash. I refuse to iron my kid's clothing - especially when I don't even iron my own. (that includes my husband's work clothes- I know- bad wife!)

I actually have a few pairs of pants and a jacket that have fake pockets. I NEED POCKETS! I have lip gloss and coupons and hand wipes to store in there. But no- let's make fake pockets on adult clothing and large useless pockets on infant clothing.

I guess I will have to ask my son to hold my lip gloss for me.

My crazy 35...make that 36.

1. I can touch my tongue to my nose.
2. I have a pistol certificate- and want to get a permit. (guns are hot)
3. When I eat chocolate before bed- I have either a very violent or very sexual dream. (try it)
4. I take way too many pictures of my kids.
5. I am in love with hand wipes.
6. I have kissed a lot of guys- but loved only one of them.
7. I used to have very good posture- now I look like quasimoto.
8. I am allergic to... (the list of what I am NOT allergic to is shorter)
9. I have my Father's wit and my Mother's need to worry personality.
10. I feel that Chocolate Frosting goes great with every meal.
11. I want to have laser hair removal. (why won't it work on blond hair???!!!)
12. Three of my friends used me to get to my attractive brother.
13. I want to be bi. (Bilingual- you pervert)
14. I have 2 inventions that I would love to patent- but too lazy and poor to do so.
15. I used to be a DJ.
16. While DJing- I once had a groom say to me: "If I wasn't married- I'd F____ you."
17. I don't take enough calcium. (see #7)
18. I had to ask both of my dates to the the Prom. (I was ugly in HS)
19. Both Prom dates said YES- but only because they like a girl riding in our limo.
20. I have a hard time controlling my sarcasm.
21. I have a fresh baked good on my counter--- everyday. (see #25)
22. I make a damn good pizza.
23. My hands and feet are cold all the time.
24. I rely on my parents way too much- I call them for everything. (at least 3 times a day) OK- I'm lying- it is more like 5 times a day.
25. I am skinny - but so out of shape.
26. I would love to be a professional photographer.
27. My mind is my worst enemy. I am a very visual person.
28. I don't have enough socks.
29. I wear a tank top every single day.
30. I think I have a tapeworm- I named him Scotch.
31. I met LL Cool J and Meg Ryan.
32. I refuse to pay for shipping and handling.
33. I have had 3 stalkers- one being a psych MD. (scary)
34. I despise hearing people chew. (I hum while I eat to drown out the sound)
35. If I wake up at night- I need to eat something before going back to bed. (why am I so freak'n thin?! Scotch Tapeworm?)
36. Oh yeah- I think that Snuggie blanket is stupid!

TLC = Toddlers Looking Creepy!

I'm a big fan of the TV station TLC. I love to watch What Not to Wear- hoping that one day Clinton Kelly and Stacy London will jump out and surprise me with a credit card with my name on it for $5,000. I have even practice my surprised face for that glorious day. Now all I need is a friend or family member that cares enough to nominate me for that show. (hint, hint) How are people not sick and tired of me wearing sweats and tank tops??? I guess I am surrounded by the fashionably challenged.
Anyway- like I was saying I love TLC. I love what they do for people- they give homely people some fashion sense- make sun damaged prunes look 10 years younger. (I don't approve of the collagen or botox part though) I even enjoyed watching many hours of A Baby Story when I was pregnant. Great TV. Right? Well hold on- don't answer that question yet. Now they have decided to create a show called Toddlers and Tiaras. That is one thing I do NOT agree with.


Winning Obsessed parents dress up their tiny kids in miniature prom dresses. Some even go as far as to dye their toddler's hair, spray them tan, rub Vaseline on their newly bleached teeth. They spend hours and hours rehearsing routines like little robots. It is not for fun- it is the most competitive "sport" I have ever seen. Crazed Mothers stand on the sidelines with their beady little eyes- not just watching, but judging their daughter's every move. MOTHERS hold their breath - waiting- getting ready to Snap at the second their daughter messes up the Paula Abdul choreographed routine that SHE worked so hard on. I can go on and on. Trust me I can. I just don't agree with it. I have yet to see a KID excited about winning the beauty pageant. It is always the parents screaming and carrying on while the kid stands there with her fake Vaseline ridden smile.

Here's an idea- throw some sweats on those kids and let them play on a playground. Let them finger paint. Give them the opportunity to act like kids and not trained show dogs.


Look at this dress- look at the price! You can bet your sweet ass that her mother is banking on her kid winning the pageant- - - that dress won't pay for itself!

List Price: $343.00
Our Dress Price: $328.00

Watch it tonight on TLC and let me know what you think.